My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
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God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Would you wear it?
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life