[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
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It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.