A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
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Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
WHO DID THIS?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited