Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
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Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
So inspired right now.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.