centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.