Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
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If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
🌱🌱🌱
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
me: my friends:
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”