“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
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Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
My background check bounced.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up