*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
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Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Ok but actually
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.