*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
You Might Also Like
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Not messing around
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.