Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
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I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
The asteroid..
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes