So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
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There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.