I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
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Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM