Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
You Might Also Like
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
At least he brought enough for everyone
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby