You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
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Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
the council will decide your fate
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.