To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Bond. Trauma bond.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true