Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
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I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer