Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
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76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*