Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
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Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk