[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
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🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.