Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
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why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I am, perchance
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.