Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
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[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.