date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
You Might Also Like
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Simple enough.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.