HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
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Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.