I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
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Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
seems like a niche market
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
real
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
😍😂🥰😂😍
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die