PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
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My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
A game married people play.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.