According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
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Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.