Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
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Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
We avoided this particular disaster
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Where’s my employee discount too?
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.