Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
You Might Also Like
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute