I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
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Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.