Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
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“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Wednesday
Grandmother clock.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.