BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
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convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!