9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
You Might Also Like
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I’m dying louder than usual today.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.