Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
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My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?