Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
You Might Also Like
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.