You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*