Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
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Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex