How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans