Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
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I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
#merica
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.