I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
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Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Husband of the year 😂
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I finally found a reason to live again.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.