When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
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on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
🤣🤣
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*