I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
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What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.