JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
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Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.