Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
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[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.