Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
When the stylist spins you back around
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.