My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
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Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
the last thing a carrot sees
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!