You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
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Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Okey dokey.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies