Only 10 more days til Halloween!
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stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”