“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
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Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.