Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
You Might Also Like
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two