15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
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ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.